in the darkness

Up before the sun, walking out the side door of the house I look out into the darkness. Almost every day I've gotten up before the sun and go to sleep late into the night. These past two weeks were no exception.

I know God didn't say life would be fair, but sometimes I wonder why certain things happen. When I think about those who loose loved ones, those with no home and those who are hungry, tears begin to well up in my eyes and I am no longer in control. I feel powerless. No matter how many people I try to help or feed, I feel like there are hundreds and thousands more just like them. I see Carl, an African American man who sleeps by one of the drinking fountains near the overpass on the bike way almost daily. I say "good morning Carl!" in the mornings and sometimes bring him a snack on my way home. For those who've lost the ones they love, I have no answers. I could say tons of cliche phrases or words, but I know only time and God can help to console them.

San Bruno's fires engulfed a neighborhood, one of those houses belonged to a friend. I can't imagine the pain she and her mother are going through right now. Her father, brother and grandmother are suddenly gone. I have only been able to pray as the tears run down my face. Tragedy. That's what they call it. The definition of "tragedy" is "a shocking or sad event; disaster." To put a label on it seems so cruel. Words cannot even begin to describe how people who were affected are feeling. Even those far away who knew people involved in this shocking event are affected.

How can one recover? What does recover even mean in circumstances such as this? To continue on and function "normally" in society? I feel like the appropriate "normal" response is to run and wail. To weep. I think Jesus is weeping with us all. Why do things like this happen to anyone? So many questions flit through my mind and words fail me. All I can do is pray and ask for God to be with everyone who doesn't deserve their world to be crumbling beneath them. For those that feel like they can barely stand on their own. I hope Lord, that You will provide consolation and comfort. That You will be their Rock that they can stand upon when they don't feel like they can do it on their own. That You will be their Saving Grace.

God, I pray.

- run for life

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

[This is my favorite picture I've taken so far of the sun rising over the horizon. I ran up Tumamoc and watched it come up. Even in a world filled with pain and suffering, there is still beauty in God's creation.]

Jillwork time...

I attempted to go to the Tucson Church of God, but there was no information online about the times... so I rode over and got there at 9AM in case it started then. It didn't begin until 10:30AM, there was an evening worship session at 6PM also.

I rode down Mountain Road and asked some guys walking how to get to the base of the Santa Catalinas. I ended up rolling up N 1st Avenue and saw a sign that said the Pima Canyon Trailhead was 1.5 miles down the road. I rode on.

I reached the trailhead and turned around so I could make it back to church on time. It was a lot quicker back down the street because it was all downhill. It was a great morning, not too hot and although I was dripping with sweat from the ride, the dry air quickly dried my back and face before I got to church. (I ended up riding 3.3 miles to church and then another 6 miles to the trailhead... so total this morning I was at 18.6 miles round trip.)

I think God knew that I needed some nature time by myself. I feel like we're always around people at work, home, meeting new people and talking to people... I always thought I was extroverted, but I think I was able to get a lot of introvert time when I was home doing my homework and be extroverted when I was out. (I did a lot of homework over the past 23 years of school so I had a lot of time to myself over the years!) Perhaps that's it. Now with no homework, the only time I'm actually alone is when I run by myself in the morning or ride around doing errands alone. Even when I'm "alone" in my room, I can still hear people in the living room just around the corner. I think I'm going to need to work more "introvert" or "me" time into my days... maybe I'll call it "Jillwork" time instead of homework... ha ha.

The church service was cute, there were probably 30 people in attendance and all were sober because the pastor and his wife had another calling taking them to Tampa, Florida. I was disappointed the pastor was leaving because I enjoyed the service. I felt like they were very centered on Christ which is the most important thing I look for in a church. I just felt a little out of place because there was no one my age present. I'm going to try a few more churches out before I make a final decision. They even have a Sovereign Grace church here that's about 9 miles away. I might go check that out too.

In any case, I was able to get a good ride in, do day 8 of P90x and talk to Nathan (skype/phone). We discussed my experience at church and talked about other options that were available. Next weekend I'll be going to Park West so I won't be able to try out another Tucson church. I'm praying God will match me up with a church that fits for both of us. Where I can help out there and contribute and be fed spiritually throughout my time here in Arizona.

See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of universe, and not according to Christ. Colossians 2:8

- run for life

p.s. Happy birthday Amanda!

think for yourself

Today we went to Borderlinks and discussed immigration and citizenship. It was an interesting conversation. As the only "minority" I was disgusted by the portrayal of my "people." Even though I was born in Oakland, California and don't even speak Chinese, because I don't look white, people constantly ask me where I'm from or try to "politely" ask what nationality I am... I'm American. My ethnic background is Chinese. I don't know the language and get flack from other Chinese people because I don't understand. I get hit on by all sides because I don't look the same as the majority in America... and I don't act or speak the same language of those who are Chinese Americans or Chinese.

I think it's difficult to understand the hatred or the hurt people put on you (sometimes because of ignorance and not even on purpose) if you haven't ever experienced small children looking at you, pulling their eyes into slits and sticking out their tongues... my eyes don't even look like that. Being called names or "yellow" ... my skin isn't yellow. One small example I didn't mention the other night... when I was pushing Asian pears at the Farmer's Market one guy asked me what I called them... I said, "I call them Asian pears." I think he wanted me to say something different or maybe thought I knew some secret name because I was Asian... but I don't. Sorry to let you all down.

I am as American as the next person who isn't a true Native American. I'm just as American as the French, the Irish, the Germans, the English and everyone else from Europe. My grandfather was born in Walnut Creek, California. Both he and my father served in the United States military. My family came here a long ago just like the people who look what people today consider "American," which is white Angelo Saxon. It's a ridiculous idea because all of those people themselves immigrated here and imposed their rules, laws and regulations on everyone else. Because they had more guns and diseases that wiped out the Native Americans, they were able to write the history books and push their ways on everyone else and be able to make fun of everyone who didn't look like them and characterize them as heathens and barbarians. It makes me sick.

We allow people to immigrate into our country only if they appear to be some one who will help our venture to be the biggest, best and most powerful country. Millionaires, sports figures, super geniuses are pushed through quickly in the immigration process. We take the best from other countries, only those we believe will make us better. Is that what Christians should do? What did ever happen to the pursuit of life, liberty and happiness? What happened to "give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free"?

How free is this country? The Emancipation Proclamation didn't happen until 1863. We had slavery in this country less than 150 years ago. When people apply for jobs, it isn't fair. Personal bias is always a factor. Who is welcome here? Remember the Chinese Exclusion Act of 1883? It wasn't lifted until 1943 when it was repealed. That was just 67 years ago! Obviously those who are oppressed in their country or starving and cannot help themselves aren't welcome. Not those who don't appear to look European (ironic isn't it? Weren't the pilgrims trying to get away from oppression in Europe in the first place? My how the tables have turned). Even people who were born here aren't welcome if they don't look like they "belong."

I think one of the major problems is people believing everything they hear. The media has such a monumental effect on the way people think. "Drug lords are the only ones trying to infiltrate the border!" "They're going to steal our jobs!" When was the last time you heard someone shout, "Get out of here! I want to clean up after everyone else, clean dishes and pick produce out in fields all day!" There are thousands unemployed with college educations because those jobs are "beneath them." If we believe these jobs are "beneath us," yet complain that "illegal" immigrants need to back to their home countries... who's going to do them? I wonder what our economy would look like if the people who are pro deportation got what they wanted. Big businesses thrive on people who are in need. Our country uses people for what we need to make us "bigger and better" and then leaves them in the dust... because they don't look like us.

Don't listen to me or take my word for it. Look up things yourself, read various versions of history and the news. Don't just follow one source of the news; things are always skewed, just look at our history books. They're taking Jesus out of them now a days. We can't even say the pledge of allegiance in school anymore (we stopped that in California when I was in elementary school) and they're trying to take "In God we trust" off the dollar. We're so politically correct in some cases and horribly irrational in others.

Formulate your own opinions and ideas... but remember to think about things from more than one point of view. Perhaps I'm blessed because I was born in the United States and also treated as an "outsider" so I know what it's like to be treated poorly just because of what I look like even though I have the correct forms and papers. We're so hypocritical. I am myself, I can admit it. I try my best not to stereotype or judge others. I do have an instinctual reaction, but I still try to give people the benefit of the doubt regardless of what they look like or who they are hanging out with. Just because someone's a little disheveled or doesn't look like me doesn't mean I shouldn't treat them like a human being.

I'm not saying you need to completely change the way you think or need to think just like me. In fact, I am doing the opposite. I am encouraging everyone to think about things from a different perspective and not to take things the media says at face value. Read more than just the headline. If you want to get all "Biblical"... we're all immigrants, all aliens. This is not our home. We're just visiting earth temporarily, we will be home when we get to heaven. Unless you're "Native American," your family immigrated here from somewhere else. Not even centuries ago people! If Columbus "discovered" America in 1492... that was only 518 years ago! That was barely over half a century and we're acting like we own the place? (I say "we," even though I'm not part of the majority because I am just as American as the next person.)

I'll get off my soap box. I hope this post made you think. Even if you now think I'm completely bonkers, that's fine. Just think for yourself and don't let the media tell you what to think.

"Walk a mile in another person's shoes." Or to be even more cliche, think about "what would Jesus do?" or "what would Jesus say?" before you speak or act.

- run for life

p.s. Happy Birthday Mom!

p.p.s. On a completely different topic, I got my bicycle helmet and my lock (the ones I got free because I took the bicycle safety class). I was pretty excited. I even took a picture...

food

This morning we got up before 6AM and headed to the Cross Street Ministries at Southside Presbyterian Church. We made sandwiches and I served up beef that had been made into taco meat in tacos. Everyone was so polite and it was very orderly. It was a pleasure to help out and to think that the process has become so refined after so many years. I am so glad that there are people who take the time and effort to help others.

Afterward Meredith, Ali and I headed to the food bank and picked up some staple items like pasta, produce, crackers and they had brie! So I was very excited! (It's my favorite cheese.) We did so well, getting there and back from Southside (usually we leave from home so that's generally my base location I know directions from) with everything loading our bikes down. It was good times, food always makes people happy and this was no exception.

Nathan and I watched America's Got Talent (week 15) together and went through day 5 of The Purpose Driven Life. Soon we Tucson YAVs will be headed off to community dinner at Sitting Tree and heading to listen to a free poetry reading. All together it's made for a great day. :)

- run for life

looking up

As I was running this morning, the mountains loomed off in the distance. There were many challenges ahead mentally, physically and spiritually. I looked up at the bright blue sky and glanced over my shoulder. More ominous mountains appeared behind me. The only place I could look to that didn't have these giant hurdles was up. Looking up at God and focusing on Him through all of our challenges and trials makes this much easier. He will help us through our struggles even when we feel most alone. It's difficult to be the only one who feels one way about something. I remember in middle school when our speaker at Buccaneer camp (at Westminster Woods church camp) told us that you + God = a majority... but what if there are 5 other people? Does God count as 5 + me to equal 6? God please help me to cling to You no matter what. Help me to focus on You and doing Your will. I need Your help to do that.
God gives us friends and family to get through the muck and struggles together. To climb the mountains with one another side by side. We're not alone. Even when we feel alone or are physically not in contact with other people, He is still there. His presence is overwhelming at times, I can't describe it. I thank God for the strength to speak up for myself. I thank God for giving others the ears to listen. Please help me God, I'm sure I will have many more mountains to climb. I know I can make it if I just keep my eyes on the prize and keep looking up to You. Some times that's just what we have to do. Throw off everything that hinders and run the race set before us.
Not that I have already obtained this or have already reached the goal; but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Beloved, I do not consider that I have made it my own; but this one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. I press on toward the goal for the prize of the heavenly call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us then who are mature be of the same mind; and if you think differently about anything, this too God will reveal to you. Only hold fast to what we have attained. Philippians 3:12-16

- run for life
p.s. Worked the Santa Cruz Farmer's Market today. It was fun, live music right behind me and I got to push Asian pears (I made a handout about them earlier today). I wonder if Asian pear sales went up today since I was handing out samples. Well, here's the photo of the day!

planting

Today I was picked up and brought to the farm 30 miles north of where I live. It was a beautiful day, the sky was slightly overcast making it perfect weather for working outdoors. I was excited. Often seed planting metaphors are used for spreading God's word and I saw the weeds choking some of the watermelon, the seeds picked up by birds (actually there was a rattle snake in the watermelon plants), the seeds scorched by the sun (I didn't see them, but I'm sure they exist out in the desert), and the ones that fell in good soil.

I hope to plant seeds this year. I hope to harvest once they grow. I know that it's easier to reap a harvest of actual plants, those are the ones I'm referring to in this case, but I also hope to spread His word and be a light to those around me.

Here are some pictures from this morning:
- run for life

early in the morning

This morning I got up and ran up Tumamoc Hill, there were so many people hiking it this morning. I was encouraged by the friendliness of those joining me in a morning bout of exercise. As I passed people walking, some of them cheered me on. It almost felt like I was running a race. I made it to the top! Afterward I ran back to the house and did the next day of my P90x workouts and read day 2 of The Purpose Driven Life with Nathan. Then we headed out to the lunch with our site placement supervisors. It was great getting to hear more about all of the places my fellow YAVs are going to. I feel like we can use the example of the strangers cheering me on up the hill. We can cheer each other on and support one another as we work throughout the year and carry on to the finish. When that day comes I hope to go on to the next adventure being able to say:

As for me, I am already being poured out as a libation, and the time of my departure has come. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. - 2 Timothy 4:6-7

- run for life